You asked “Why” and this is my answer

You know why I’m hurting?

It’s because I’ve been here before. I’ve been stuck in the same old spot not so long ago… 
I never really got over the trauma. All the lies and empty words haunt me. I’ve heard it all and it’s being repeated over and over. 

It hits me so hard, like being stabbed in the chest… like a steady, boring pain and it gets too hard to breathe.

So desperate to fall asleep but the thoughts in my head are too loud, so I just close my eyes and wait until my body gives in… 

But then the nightmares haunt me in my slumber. There’s no pain but my greatest fears flash before my eyes. I wake up and the pain is back and I’m more tired than I’ve ever been before sleeping. 

This is my everyday cycle. 

I used to wait everyday… waiting for answers that I will never get.

Am I worth the lies? Am I worth all the pain? 

The pain is not about losing you but the fear from hearing those words again. 

And now I’m stuck in this cycle like before… 

You brought back that feeling I once ran away from. 

The feeling of trusting someone and you end up with the feeling of neglect and abandonment. It’s when you got a lot of questions but you just wait… wait for something to happen but you realize you’re waiting for nothing. So you try to escape the pain… you live each day trying to get over it… you know you must get over it. 

What’s the only reason you’re holding me tonight

Are you scared to be lonely? 

I’m not. I’m actually scared of the opposite. 

Somehow I’m not sure of what’s on the other side

I remember the warmth of his skin when it touches mine

The sound of his voice when he whispers on my ear

The look on his face when I enter the room

The sound of our laughter about a joke only the two of us know

Is it that feeling? Is it what’s on the other side?

If that is it… then all of it is just temporary… 

Like how his skin feels on someone else’s

Like how his voice sounds when he whispers on her ear

Like the look on his face when he sees her walk in

Like the sound of their laughter about a joke only the two of them know

It’s temporary happiness, it’s inconsistency 

Now tell me, why shouldn’t I be scared of that?

Featured photo from Unsplash

Summertime Madness

I parked my car at a nearby parking lotWatched the rain trickle down my windshield

And just waited for time to pass me by

I watched people pass by, covering their heads as if that would keep them from getting wet

Running as if that would get them any drier

Well, at least they got somewhere to go…

At least they know where they’re going

Go… that’s a word I’ve used too often for the past week but I don’t really know what it means

Is it to go now… go here… let’s go… let go

Is it to go on… go forever… go now… or never

The rain poured harder and my chest gets heavier

Is it possible for the rain to drench my heart without touching it? 

But maybe that goes for all of us… 

To feel without touching… to love without knowing… 

I closed my eyes and listened to the thunder

Finally there’s something louder than the pounding of my heart… something greater than the calling of my soul… 

Oh, right.. I have a soul…

A soul that feels everything and nothing all at once

Not like blessing but more like a curse

A soul that loves too deeply, so deep it hurts

Like your soul is being ripped towards all directions

Like you’re drinking poison but your body embraces it

You embrace it because it’s the only thing that made you feel alive

Summer Rain

The sky calls out to me again

It’s all too familiar, are you a foe or a friend?

It sends its warning as darkness came

The heavens must be feeling the same

The cold breeze held me like a soft embrace

Like a touch from a stranger, should I feel safe?

But I held on tighter, hoping it would last

Just a little longer… don’t leave… not so fast

And all of a sudden, it started to pour 

I’m drenched and I’m hopeless but still wanting more

It feels like I’m drowning… and I’ve felt this before

Like it was just yesterday… now I feel it once more

The raindrops became more gentle as time passes by

Just like deja vu, I must prepare to say goodbye

I’m torn between holding on and letting go

Still in between “We could’ve been” and “I told you so”

A little too close to falling apart

A little too similar to losing my heart

And just as the rain decided to leave

I’m left alone again, with my heart on my sleeve

“I should’ve known better” is what I always say

I shouldn’t have kept my hopes up that it’ll stay

Just one more day… one more goodbye

Just one more memory and one last cry

I look up the sky and watch the clouds clear away

It’s time to move on, it’s another day

I’ll see  you again… maybe someday

Maybe then, time will be ours… and maybe, just maybe…  

You’ll stay. 

Featured Image by Unsplash

So kiss me and smile for me

In working in a hospital, I’ve seen all faces of loss. I’ve seen people suffer and die by the hour that it felt like it was just normal. But you know what’s the hard part in seeing someone die? It’s hearing the cries of those they left behind. It’s the face of a mother breaking down on the floor on the loss of her child. It’s the face of a child wailing in despair for God to extend his/her parent’s life. It’s the face of a lover who pleads for mercy to the doctors to do everything they can to save their partner’s life. For me, losing someone will always be the most painful…

I’ve watched people come and go on a daily basis like it’s the only consistent thing anyone can do. I would always be left behind… lingering to the moment that once was…

I have this ideal world where everyone stays… where no one gets left behind. I know it’s selfish of me to want people to stay… but I’m always left with the question, why? Why do people have to leave? Why do we have to make things complicated? Why do people have to change?

I got the answers but I’m still stuck in my ideal world.

One year ago, we decided to part ways… even though he’s on the other side of the globe… we decided it was the best thing to do because we deserved better. Of course, I bargained hard hoping I could stop it. He’s not here but he left. We cut all communications. It took me months to accept it… dated other people for the sake of forgetting… He said I deserved better… but I kept wishing it was him.

I’ve met a lot of people but no one really stayed. I was happy… making new friends… knowing new people… but everything’s temporary. Apparently, friendship has a price… that if I can’t reciprocate the feeling, they’re just going to leave… forget the friendship and go on with their lives.

But what about me? I’m left behind wondering what I did wrong? Should I force myself into feeling something? Anything? All this time, I know I’m not ready. All I can give people is friendship but most people don’t understand that… and I keep asking myself… is that what he meant by I deserve better? Can’t they wait until I’m ready? Can’t they wait until I get better? Can’t they wait until I love myself again?

Every time a friend has to go, my heart breaks into pieces because I thought they were real to me… or maybe I just expect too much from people… that they have the same heart as I do.

But maybe I’m just too hard on myself… maybe I do deserve better that’s why they have to leave… or maybe, I should be the one leaving for a change.

Feautured Photo from Unsplash

All you have to do is stay

I wish people would stop falling in love with the idea of me because everyone who did just ended up leaving… 

I wish people wouldn’t be so quick to say they like me one day and drop it the next…

I wish people would get to know me first before realizing they like me and not the other way around…

I wish they could see all my flaws… how I get batshit crazy when I get frustrated… how I get impulsive with my decisions and end up failing in the end.. how I would constantly need someone to talk to because I’m scared of being alone but then push people away because I always feel like I’m not good enough… how I am when I get anxiety attacks… how I choke in my own tears when my depression get the best of me.

I wish people would see all of that, endure all of that before they can finally say they like me… because falling in love with me can be so easy… but staying in love is a different story. 

Featured photo from Unsplash

13 Reasons Why You Should Shut The Fuck Up

13 reasons why is probably the realest show I’ve seen so far… so real to those people who had gone through a similar ordeal. A lot of you may hate it or say the lead character is so dramatic but it tackled the issues everyone is so afraid to face.

Before you start with the “Hey, it’s Hannah Baker” jokes, let me tell you what depression is… 

Depression is said to be caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. It may be caused by faulty mood regulation or genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and different medical conditions or chronic illnesses. (Harvard Health Publications, Harvard Medical School)

It is not just a feeling of being sad on a certain day or being “overly dramatic” as what other people say. It is not a choice. Depressed people did not choose to be depressed.

Depression is diagnosed based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Yes, there is a criteria so you don’t just call out someone and say “Oh, she’s just a drama queen!”

To be diagnosed with major depression, one must be in a depressed mood or should have loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than 2 weeks. You can also recognize impairment in social or occupational activities or in educational aspect. You should also recognize at least 5 of the following:

1. Depressed mood or irritability almost everyday

2. Decreased interest or please in most activities almost everyday

3. Significant weight change or change in appetite

4. Change in sleep: either lacking or excess of it

5. Agitation or retardation in activities

6. Fatigue or loss of energy

7. Feelings of guilt or worthlessness or even reduced self esteem

8. Diminished ability to focus or concentrate or just indecisiveness

9. Thoughts of death or suicide or ideas of self harm.

Well, we can’t always say that it’s depression right away. There are also other factors to be considered. Was there any substance abuse involved such as drugs, alcohol or other medications? Is he/she suffering from medical illnesses that may cause hormonal imbalance? Is he/she going through bereavement? Or are there any other mental illnesses to be considered? Nevertheless, such symptoms should not be taken lightly.

So now that you know what depression is (or at least understand a little), let me tell you 13 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP

  1. Everyone is going through something. Don’t just give out unsolicited advice if you don’t know the whole story. Depressed people don’t need you to talk, they just need you to listen.
  2. When you say “It’s okay,” you’re only making it worse. It’s not as easy as just snapping the fingers and the feeling would just disappear.
  3. The shitty little comments you say can break someone who’s been trying to just make it through the day. Think twice before you drop those unnecessary words.
  4. Don’t just say stuff because you think it’s funny or cool when it’s obviously demeaning to another person. Stop trying. You can’t even put “funny” or “cool” in your resumé, so who are you trying to impress?
  5. It’s not your fault someone is depressed but it’s going to be your fault someone feels bad when you’re being too insensitive. Your words and your actions can affect the people around you.
  6. Of course you can’t know everything that’s happening in the world and in people’s lives and it’s not really your responsibility to know but it wouldn’t make you less of a person to just be nice and care about what’s happening to other people.
  7. Girls… before you start making that shady comment about another girl… aren’t you a girl too? So what if she’s a little thicker? Is it so important in your life that she’s wearing a lot of makeup or too little clothing? Don’t say you’re just looking out for her because if you are, you should be stopping those people who are judging her. It’s not a if-you-can’t-beat-them-join-them thing, you are just being a mean lil bitch.
  8. And guys, stop making that comment that she’s easy or she’s a slut, whore or whatever name you can come up with… First of all, do you even know her personally? 2nd, did she even notice you? Did she even sleep with you? Oh heck, even if she did, did you really have to talk about it? Did it make your dick any bigger or your performance any better? And please stop the “catcalling,” FYI it’s harassment!
  9. Why is there so much hate on social media, seriously guys… why do you hate so much? If you’re bored, grab a book, go out with your friends… stop making social media your sole purpose of existence.
  10. If you got a problem with someone, go talk to them. Don’t hide behind those Facebook likes and comments of people who don’t even know the other side of the story. Their opinion will not fix the issue.
  11. Stop making fun of someone’s appearance or flaws, because let me ask you this… how good-looking do you really think you are? Yes, to your family you’re a fucking gem but it doesn’t make you flawless so stop mocking anyone for how they don’t fit to your standards of beauty.
  12. To anyone who’s mocking “depression,” please stop. If you don’t understand it, you don’t have to say that it’s not real. Keep your opinion about what you don’t understand. You are the reason there’s a stigma. You are the reason depressed people hide and pretend to be okay then end up dying.
  13. Lastly, if you are not really depressed but you’re just craving for attention… JUST STOP. You are the reason why depression is being set aside or ignored. Stop being the “boy who cried wolf” and start having a life.

Your words and actions can save or end a life… choose wisely. And if you’re the one who’s suffering from depression, PLEASE GET HELP. You don’t have to suffer alone. You don’t have to be ashamed of it. You can get better. You should get better.

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