So kiss me and smile for me

In working in a hospital, I’ve seen all faces of loss. I’ve seen people suffer and die by the hour that it felt like it was just normal. But you know what’s the hard part in seeing someone die? It’s hearing the cries of those they left behind. It’s the face of a mother breaking down on the floor on the loss of her child. It’s the face of a child wailing in despair for God to extend his/her parent’s life. It’s the face of a lover who pleads for mercy to the doctors to do everything they can to save their partner’s life. For me, losing someone will always be the most painful…

I’ve watched people come and go on a daily basis like it’s the only consistent thing anyone can do. I would always be left behind… lingering to the moment that once was…

I have this ideal world where everyone stays… where no one gets left behind. I know it’s selfish of me to want people to stay… but I’m always left with the question, why? Why do people have to leave? Why do we have to make things complicated? Why do people have to change?

I got the answers but I’m still stuck in my ideal world.

One year ago, we decided to part ways… even though he’s on the other side of the globe… we decided it was the best thing to do because we deserved better. Of course, I bargained hard hoping I could stop it. He’s not here but he left. We cut all communications. It took me months to accept it… dated other people for the sake of forgetting… He said I deserved better… but I kept wishing it was him.

I’ve met a lot of people but no one really stayed. I was happy… making new friends… knowing new people… but everything’s temporary. Apparently, friendship has a price… that if I can’t reciprocate the feeling, they’re just going to leave… forget the friendship and go on with their lives.

But what about me? I’m left behind wondering what I did wrong? Should I force myself into feeling something? Anything? All this time, I know I’m not ready. All I can give people is friendship but most people don’t understand that… and I keep asking myself… is that what he meant by I deserve better? Can’t they wait until I’m ready? Can’t they wait until I get better? Can’t they wait until I love myself again?

Every time a friend has to go, my heart breaks into pieces because I thought they were real to me… or maybe I just expect too much from people… that they have the same heart as I do.

But maybe I’m just too hard on myself… maybe I do deserve better that’s why they have to leave… or maybe, I should be the one leaving for a change.

Feautured Photo from Unsplash

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