If you are reading this, it’s too late

This was your message 7 months later after you first fooled me. And I can say, this is not how winning feels. This is not a game nor a competition. This is life and you fucked it up. You fucked it up again.

I am done being on the losing end. I am done hurting. I am done with all the suffering. I’ve moved on and I want everyone else to do so too. I don’t need a pity party because I’m in a better place now. 

This is my chance to speak. This is my time to tell the story… to give a piece of the truth. 
Here goes…

I caught my ex cheating on me but I wasn’t hurt from seeing him with another girl. I was traumatized with who I became when that happened. 

He cheated on me before and was all about asking forgiveness and 2nd chances, the “I love you’s” and “It’s gonna be different this time”… I thought he changed. He became an ultimately different person, or so I thought. Maybe I was just too blinded with the idea of him acting like he regret what he did. 

Fast forward to the end of October 2016… he told me he’s going on a vacation with his family… but social media was too generous that it lead me to clues when I wasn’t even looking. I messaged him about my doubts and he was quick to say “If you’re looking through my stuff, I’m telling you we are so done” and “Naghahanap ka na naman ba ng pag-aawayan natin.” He told me to not ruin his moment with his family and that we’ll talk once he get home. 

My gut feeling was just too strong, I headed to his house immediately after ending my graveyard shift. His car was there. I opened the gate and looked through the window, I’m quite sure he’s home. I checked the car and it was open. I sat inside… waited patiently… well, I wasn’t patient enough cause my anger only granted me to sit still for 10 minutes. I messaged him, told him I wrecked his car, scratched everything, broke the windshield, the side mirror and the headlights–which I didn’t really do. I was just hoping he’d come outside to check his car but he didn’t. I messaged him and the girl saying that I already know but I got no reply. 

I saw the girl through the window. She came down the stairs and that’s when I broke down. I knocked too hard on the window panel and the glass broke. I was surprised that the girl’s child is with her. They ran back upstairs and he came running down. He opened the front door and screamed at me saying, “LEAVE! GET OUT!” I ran inside and knocked on the bedroom door because I wanted to talk to her. He ran after me and tried to pull me away, asking for me to leave… I heard the worst lies said to my face. I hit his face more times than I can count, with my hand still bleeding from the glass that I shattered. I tried to open the door, fumbled with the keys and he tried to pull me away. I hit him with the keys until they broke and scattered on the floor. He threatened to call the police, blaming me for everything. I said I’m not going to leave until he tells me why he did it… he was quick to say “Di ko alam.” He asked me to leave and put my things in a black trash bag. Yes, a fucking trash bag!  He told me how can I act like that, “doctor ka pa naman”… Act like what? Hurt? Devastated? Appalled? He was even the one who got mad at me after everything. 

But did I receive any apology? Zero. Zip. Nada. Zilch. I was even the one who said sorry to the girl for the commotion I brought. 

He told me he’s going to fix it. Just about the same time he’s already introduced that girl to people as his girlfriend. And also the same time he tried to ask his other ex girlfriend to come back to him. It was a vicious cycle I’m glad to be freed from. 

Little by little, I learned about the truth. I met people that showed me what kind of person he truly is. I found out every single lie he made me believe… every single lie he made other people believe. I can’t say more on that part anymore because it’s not my story to tell.

I saw him again just recently… I can say I’ve never been more grateful. It was liberating and I didn’t even had an anxiety attack (thank God). I didn’t feel any love or pain anymore, but instead, I felt disgust and pity. 

So if you’re reading this… 

I know you don’t need my forgiveness nor even care about it at all. I can’t wish you well because I can’t bear including you in my thoughts anymore, this is the last time I will spare you a space in my brain. I forgive you for using me in feeding your ego (and of course for feeding you literally and your dogs) even without an apology. I don’t need it anymore.

I can never understand your ways because I don’t know how a normal human being with a sane mind can act the way you do… befriending every person you hated… every belittling words you said behind their backs yet suck up to them face to face… every belittling feeling you sent my way because I can’t keep up with your “fame” and how you can’t be proud of me because I wasn’t “popular.” 

You told me to quit being a doctor and pursue everything else I wanted in life… guess what, I graduated and I’m in between pursuing my passions and being a doctor and it has nothing to do with you. THIS IS ALL ME! I am everything you hindered me from being and I’m so grateful you showed me the kind of person I would never want to be. 

I speak with no hint of hate because I’ve never felt this happy for so long… I AM FINALLY FREE! 

And for the record, I’m not doing the stuff I do because of you. I’m finally pursuing my dreams and the last thing I wanted is to be associated with you. I’m done living in your shadow with people recognizing me as your ex because I am my own person–a much better person than what you expect me to be.

P.S. I don’t have bitter feelings about what you have now. I do hope and want you to stick to your decisions, at least for once in your life. Please don’t cause anyone else pain ever again. And maybe… It would be nice to pay me back because I’m no free money. 

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