I wish you were here.
I remember every siesta hours we had at your house every time an old music plays. I remember your radio playing a song similar to those heard on black and white movies and every time I hear that now, my heart aches.
The holidays are never the same without you. This year, I just slept through Christmas eve–the loneliness got the best of me. I still feel sad that one by one, our family traditions start to die. Everyone is caught up with their own lives and still I’m here, wishing I could still go to see you on Christmas morning.
I still miss the treats you have on your bedside and the nights me and my cousins gather up around your bed and talk about nothing to everything.
I see your face in every old lady I get to help on my duties as an intern. I can’t help but wish you were able to stay a little longer so I get to take care of you.
I’ll never forget the last time I saw you, you were on the hospital bed and you looked like you were never sick at all. I never got to tell you I love you, but I know you already know that. I said goodbye too early because I have to go back to the city and take care of my responsibilities in school… responsibilities that even up to now, I’m not done with.
I’m sorry I can’t visit you often and even missed every family event I’m supposed to be at, I know you’ll understand me better than anyone.
Part of me feels sad you weren’t able to be there in every milestone your grandchildren had but I am somehow glad to know you’re already in a better place.
I’m finally a doctor, Nanay. I know you’re looking down from heaven and kept me from tripping on my shoes as I marched. Oh believe me, I was so scared I’d fall down the stairs and it would be the highlight of the night instead.
I’ve been worrisome lately and I wish you can be at home to listen to me… but I know, you’re up there, listening to everything I have to say. I hope I can cast all my worries up to heaven because I know you can guard me from them.
Thank you for Ate… you know, I see you in her all the the time. She has become a strong person because you made her that way. And right now that I’m in my most vulnerable state, she has helped me be stronger too. She has Tisha now and she’s the brightest child I’ve met. That child had been the main reason why I look forward to coming home. I’m sure that if you’re here she would be a “lola’s girl” too just like every one of us.
There’s so much I want to tell you but I’ll leave it for another day… maybe you can visit me in my dreams and replace the nightmares I have every night.
I miss you, Nanay. I always believe I’m gonna see you again.
P.S. I know this letter has been all about you but tell Tatay Alex, Nanay Nene, Tatay Kiko and Ma Ely I miss them too