To the girl who once broke my heart 

Everyone who knew our backstory knows we have the oddest relationship–even her mom thinks it’s really weird. How can anyone be best friends with the girl your ex boyfriend cheated on you with, right? But the universe has a way of putting things in place and answers all your questions at the right time. We were both miserable, trying to question our worth… trying to figure out what’s wrong about ourselves, but then we found each other and realized our ex is really just an asshole with fucked up morals. So yeah… finding each other was the “good karma” we deserved. 

Half a year through and we look more like each other now, I realized we’ve been talking every single day… she’s actually the only constant thing in my life now and I mean that in a platonic way. We welcomed each other in the industry and it’s funny now that people think we always go together. I pushed her to get a job at the dj school I’m in and she’s like a roadie and make up artist to me now and together, we became part of an even bigger family. 

Here it goes: 

JANUARY 17, 2017 1:01 AM

I was trying to write something tonight but there was just too much noise in my head, I had to let each thought out one at a time…

DISCLAIMER: This is not a love proposal, I swear. I’m straighter than straight.HAHA I’m just a sucker for letters and I’m like this as a friend. 

TO THE GIRL WHO ONCE BROKE MY HEART, 

First of all, I want to say thank you. Thank you for setting me free. I was drowning from my thoughts on how and why he did what he did to me; from what I’ve become when I loved him and when I thought that love was reciprocated. And now, all my questions were answered—he didn’t love me. Maybe there was a part of him that wanted me but that can’t be equal to love. I still believe he loved you. It might be for the wrong reasons or in the wrong ways but somehow, I can say his love for you was more real than what he felt for me. 

I used to tell him I don’t want to live in your shadow. I used to envy you, used to ask him why he flaunted you and didn’t do the same with me. When he started bringing me to places I thought that things would get better. I was dwelling on how he treated you compared to me because I only knew about the superficial, what’s written in public, what’s up in social media. I gave him up because I believed you made him happy. I didn’t fight for him because I believed I can’t be a match to you. There was even a time that my friends told me he posted your picture with the caption “#girlfriendgoals” and I knew then that both of you are happy. I was dealing with my own happiness then that I didn’t care anymore… but deep inside, I still wondered why I was never enough. 

I was so naive to believe that he changed when he came back. I always wondered what happened to you but I guess I was dwelling on the idea that he found his way back to me that I forgave what happened to us. I thought this was the fix. I can’t trust him anymore but the thought that he was paying for what he did brought me a certain kind of relief. I should’ve know it was too good to be true. 

Now, I’m just grateful I learned about the truth. Now I know why they say “the truth will set you free.” I have not fully recovered but you’ve set me free from the pain he caused me and for that, I love you. It’s not the romantic girl to girl kind of love but like a love someone has for a sister. I never had a sister and all my dearest girl friends have filled that space for me. It’s not the kind of love you have with your best friends with a long list of adventures spent together but a love that says I’ll be here if and when you need me. I only have a few trusted friends and I already consider you as one of them. I’m not saying it like it’s a privilege and I’m not expecting you to reciprocate that but I just want you to know that I trust you, it’s simple as that. And if fate permits that friends do come and go, I have to say I’m not going anywhere. 

I want you to know that you are a beautiful person and what we’ve been through can’t lessen that. I believe you will be successful in reaching your dreams and you shouldn’t let any man or person hinder you from doing so. I know it’s just easy to say to make each struggle a stepping stone but I can say that it has always been true. Reach for your dreams and once you’ve become whole again, love will find its way back to you. I hope you find love that you truly deserve and not just a mediocre feeling just for the sake of having one. 

I’m happy you’re a lot better than your state before and I hope it gets easier in the coming days. 

So to the girl who once broke my heart, thank you for helping me fix it. You helped me in more ways than one can imagine and I’ll forever be grateful.

So to any dude who fucked us over and will fuck us over in the future… please think more than twice. If you hurt her, I will kill you and if you hurt me, she would do something worse than that. LOL JUST KIDDING… or not? 

Nah… we won’t waste time on you… your karma will fuck you up. 

You asked “Why” and this is my answer

You know why I’m hurting?

It’s because I’ve been here before. I’ve been stuck in the same old spot not so long ago… 
I never really got over the trauma. All the lies and empty words haunt me. I’ve heard it all and it’s being repeated over and over. 

It hits me so hard, like being stabbed in the chest… like a steady, boring pain and it gets too hard to breathe.

So desperate to fall asleep but the thoughts in my head are too loud, so I just close my eyes and wait until my body gives in… 

But then the nightmares haunt me in my slumber. There’s no pain but my greatest fears flash before my eyes. I wake up and the pain is back and I’m more tired than I’ve ever been before sleeping. 

This is my everyday cycle. 

I used to wait everyday… waiting for answers that I will never get.

Am I worth the lies? Am I worth all the pain? 

The pain is not about losing you but the fear from hearing those words again. 

And now I’m stuck in this cycle like before… 

You brought back that feeling I once ran away from. 

The feeling of trusting someone and you end up with the feeling of neglect and abandonment. It’s when you got a lot of questions but you just wait… wait for something to happen but you realize you’re waiting for nothing. So you try to escape the pain… you live each day trying to get over it… you know you must get over it. 

What’s the only reason you’re holding me tonight

Are you scared to be lonely? 

I’m not. I’m actually scared of the opposite. 

Somehow I’m not sure of what’s on the other side

I remember the warmth of his skin when it touches mine

The sound of his voice when he whispers on my ear

The look on his face when I enter the room

The sound of our laughter about a joke only the two of us know

Is it that feeling? Is it what’s on the other side?

If that is it… then all of it is just temporary… 

Like how his skin feels on someone else’s

Like how his voice sounds when he whispers on her ear

Like the look on his face when he sees her walk in

Like the sound of their laughter about a joke only the two of them know

It’s temporary happiness, it’s inconsistency 

Now tell me, why shouldn’t I be scared of that?

Featured photo from Unsplash

Summertime Madness

I parked my car at a nearby parking lotWatched the rain trickle down my windshield

And just waited for time to pass me by

I watched people pass by, covering their heads as if that would keep them from getting wet

Running as if that would get them any drier

Well, at least they got somewhere to go…

At least they know where they’re going

Go… that’s a word I’ve used too often for the past week but I don’t really know what it means

Is it to go now… go here… let’s go… let go

Is it to go on… go forever… go now… or never

The rain poured harder and my chest gets heavier

Is it possible for the rain to drench my heart without touching it? 

But maybe that goes for all of us… 

To feel without touching… to love without knowing… 

I closed my eyes and listened to the thunder

Finally there’s something louder than the pounding of my heart… something greater than the calling of my soul… 

Oh, right.. I have a soul…

A soul that feels everything and nothing all at once

Not like blessing but more like a curse

A soul that loves too deeply, so deep it hurts

Like your soul is being ripped towards all directions

Like you’re drinking poison but your body embraces it

You embrace it because it’s the only thing that made you feel alive

Summer Rain

The sky calls out to me again

It’s all too familiar, are you a foe or a friend?

It sends its warning as darkness came

The heavens must be feeling the same

The cold breeze held me like a soft embrace

Like a touch from a stranger, should I feel safe?

But I held on tighter, hoping it would last

Just a little longer… don’t leave… not so fast

And all of a sudden, it started to pour 

I’m drenched and I’m hopeless but still wanting more

It feels like I’m drowning… and I’ve felt this before

Like it was just yesterday… now I feel it once more

The raindrops became more gentle as time passes by

Just like deja vu, I must prepare to say goodbye

I’m torn between holding on and letting go

Still in between “We could’ve been” and “I told you so”

A little too close to falling apart

A little too similar to losing my heart

And just as the rain decided to leave

I’m left alone again, with my heart on my sleeve

“I should’ve known better” is what I always say

I shouldn’t have kept my hopes up that it’ll stay

Just one more day… one more goodbye

Just one more memory and one last cry

I look up the sky and watch the clouds clear away

It’s time to move on, it’s another day

I’ll see  you again… maybe someday

Maybe then, time will be ours… and maybe, just maybe…  

You’ll stay. 

Featured Image by Unsplash

So kiss me and smile for me

In working in a hospital, I’ve seen all faces of loss. I’ve seen people suffer and die by the hour that it felt like it was just normal. But you know what’s the hard part in seeing someone die? It’s hearing the cries of those they left behind. It’s the face of a mother breaking down on the floor on the loss of her child. It’s the face of a child wailing in despair for God to extend his/her parent’s life. It’s the face of a lover who pleads for mercy to the doctors to do everything they can to save their partner’s life. For me, losing someone will always be the most painful…

I’ve watched people come and go on a daily basis like it’s the only consistent thing anyone can do. I would always be left behind… lingering to the moment that once was…

I have this ideal world where everyone stays… where no one gets left behind. I know it’s selfish of me to want people to stay… but I’m always left with the question, why? Why do people have to leave? Why do we have to make things complicated? Why do people have to change?

I got the answers but I’m still stuck in my ideal world.

One year ago, we decided to part ways… even though he’s on the other side of the globe… we decided it was the best thing to do because we deserved better. Of course, I bargained hard hoping I could stop it. He’s not here but he left. We cut all communications. It took me months to accept it… dated other people for the sake of forgetting… He said I deserved better… but I kept wishing it was him.

I’ve met a lot of people but no one really stayed. I was happy… making new friends… knowing new people… but everything’s temporary. Apparently, friendship has a price… that if I can’t reciprocate the feeling, they’re just going to leave… forget the friendship and go on with their lives.

But what about me? I’m left behind wondering what I did wrong? Should I force myself into feeling something? Anything? All this time, I know I’m not ready. All I can give people is friendship but most people don’t understand that… and I keep asking myself… is that what he meant by I deserve better? Can’t they wait until I’m ready? Can’t they wait until I get better? Can’t they wait until I love myself again?

Every time a friend has to go, my heart breaks into pieces because I thought they were real to me… or maybe I just expect too much from people… that they have the same heart as I do.

But maybe I’m just too hard on myself… maybe I do deserve better that’s why they have to leave… or maybe, I should be the one leaving for a change.

Feautured Photo from Unsplash

It’s not me, it’s you

This is when “It’s not you, it’s me” seems appropriate.
This is when “I like you but I’m in love with someone else” seem fit. 

I’m in love with the one who got away. I’m in love with someone who lives 6557 miles away and I haven’t talk to for over a year. 

He was my 2016 summer fling. He was my 24/7 for a short while… Losing him was the reason I came back to my ex (which was the worst decision I’ve made). He was the reason why I still keep my Snapchat even though I don’t open it anymore. 

He’s the reason why even though I like you, I can’t follow through. He’s the reason why I’m not yet ready. He’s the promise I’m trying to keep… that I will only get into a relationship if the feeling is as intense as what I felt for him. 

But you… you let me down. You gave up the moment I didn’t give in. You held my hand when you thought you’d have me but let go when you realized you won’t. You left me when I needed a friend because you don’t understand how I felt. And just like that, you broke my heart… just like how everyone else did. 

You only cared about how you felt and ignored why current state… you’re drowning in this society’s selfish ways… and maybe, just maybe… you’d only care if you receive your tape with the story of how you broke me. 

So yeah, I did like you… but I came to realize where I got it wrong… It’s not me, it’s you. 
Photo by Hsin Wang